


Lost In A Heartbeat

by LeSaltyWarlock



Category: Original Work
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Anxiety, Coffee Shops, Eating Disorders, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, F/M, Hope you enjoy this mess, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Original Character(s)/Original Character(s) - Freeform, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slice of Life, Tags May Change, The coffee shop's name is cringy don't judge, Veterans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-31
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:54:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22487458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeSaltyWarlock/pseuds/LeSaltyWarlock
Summary: Step one to a perfect day: Try not to have a breakdownStep two to a perfect day: Hope that the coffee worksStep three to a perfect day: Remind yourself that you never have perfect daysWelcome to Thanks A Latte! A small coffee shop in Portland, Oregon operated by dysfunctional young adults. Jace Alburn works at the coffee shop by day and works in a hospital at night. It's a stressful job, to say the least, and sleep is seen as a blessing sent by the gods. He has a girlfriend, though...who never spends time with him and only comes by when she needs something. Just to add a bit more to the mix, his PTSD caused by his time in the military doesn't help with his memory at all. A whole part of his life gone from his brain...until a person from his past unearths memories that have long since been buried under the piles of trauma.Step four to a perfect day: Have another cup of coffee and tell yourself that maybe it's a perfect day after all
Kudos: 3





	1. Welcome To Thanks A Latte!

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome, friends! This story of mine has been in the works for a while, but I never really got to posting it. I hope to tell you all a funny and slightly angsty story, and I hope that you all enjoy it as well. If you have any notes or criticism, then go ahead and post it in the comments. Just...be patient with me for updating....

Step one to making the best coffee in the world: use the freshest coffee beans. Keep them nice and cool when you grind them to preserve the flavor.

Step two: Pour hot water over the coffee beans and let them brew and soak.

Step three: Pour more water and let the glistening coffee drip into the pot.

And the best step: Add a dash of honey for sweetness and vanilla for some creaminess. Then serve it piping hot to the customer. That’s how Jace learned to make the perfect coffee growing up—using fresh ingredients straight from the people in Oregon. 

With the coffee done, he poured it into a recyclable cup and closed it with a biodegradable lid. His boss has a thing for being green, which he certainly didn’t mind.

“I’ve got a large coffee for a...uh, Mia!” Jace squinted at the name scribbled on the side of the cup trying to decipher his co-worker’s handwriting. A short girl leaped out of her chair and made him jump as she sprinted over with a desperate look on her face. She had a long—slightly disheveled—head of black hair and eyes that seemed to radiate anger. She’s come here before, but he’d admit that her name slipped his mind.

“Yes! That’s me!” She snatched the drink and shoved it in her face like taking a shot. 

“Careful, it’s really hot!” 

Surprisingly—or maybe unsurprisingly—Mia wasn’t fazed and kept drinking until the whole cup was empty much to Jace’s concern. “I’ll get two more large coffees.” She said, bug-eyed and shaky.

“Do you have a friend coming over?” Jace peeked over her shoulder just to make sure that no one was waiting in line. 

“Yeah...but the coffee’s for me. I gotta cram for a bio test next week.” She grimaced and pulled out her wallet as Jace rang up the order. Their cafe was stationed close to Portland State, so many students came here before and after class. Being that it was eight am, it was surprising to even see Mia here. He avoided morning classes like the plague.

“If it weren’t for me being on the job, I’d totally offer to help.” Jace smiled and did his best to strike up a conversation. He wanted to make some friends here—or else this new job would probably end up being a lot more boring. “How was the coffee?”

“Good! Although I didn’t even register the taste….” She muttered and moved off to the side to watch me work. “You go to Portland State?”

“No, I...I graduated already. I work at OHSU hospital.” He smiled proudly. 

“Ugh, how do you have time for a job then?”

He doesn’t. Jace decided it was better for him not to answer and went back to working on the coffee. In a few minutes, he had two more piping hot cups that Mia graciously took before hurrying to her table right next to the counter. It was stacked high with textbooks covered in sticky notes and what looks like dried marinara sauce—at least that’s what he hopes it is 

The kitchen door swung open and out swaggered a blond man carrying a tray of fresh, steaming brownies at his side. He smoothed his hair and winked at Jace with jade green eyes. Pinned on his black apron was a small nametag—Reed. He towered over Jace as he stopped and waved at both him and Mia. “Yo!”

“Hey, I didn’t know you worked here!” Mia snickered, “what a small town.”

“Um...Reed, shouldn’t you—”

Almost on cue, Reed’s foot snagged on the tiniest fold in the rug and he stumbled right towards Jace. The kitchen doors swung open once again to reveal a much shorter, but much fiercer, blond girl with bright blue eyes that were several shades lighter than Jace’s. She sprinted towards the two and grabbed Reed by his shirt so that he stopped falling. 

“A-are you ok?” Jace asked and stared at the mess that his coworker made. “Thanks, Alex.” A few brownies fell to their demise on the carpet, but most of them somehow stayed on the pan which made him breathe a sigh of relief. 

“You’re lucky I had  _ impeccable _ timing.” Alex rolled her eyes before handing a broom and dustpan to Reed. Jace took the pan from him before a larger mess could be made and stared disappointedly at the somewhat ruined brownies.

“I’ll make a new batch.” Alex sighed and stomped back into the kitchen.

Mia walked over to the counter and leaned over to stare at the mess. She snickered and pointed at Reed—on the verge of tears—sweeping the crumbs while muttering, “I’m sorry, my babies….”

“Knowing him...I’m guessing this is a common occurrence.”

Jace laughed along and arranged the brownies in the display case as neatly as possible—taking out the more ruined brownies and putting them in a bag. Maybe he’d give it to Mia or just take it for himself. Such delicious treats shouldn’t be wasted. “You should’ve seen what he did with the cinnamon buns last week.” 

“That explains the  _ special desserts _ ,” Mia gestured in air quotes, “that you guys had.”

“Well...would you like some brownies for you and that friend of yours?” Jace handed her the bag and she took it excitedly. His boss always made a point of having quality food and customer service. Any leftovers—or mistakes made by certain employees—can be taken for free. She really did care, that’s why he’s gone to this place since he was a kid. The only reason this place stays open is because of all the regulars who’ve been coming here for years..

Jace walked around this small space he inhabited behind the counter for a bit. Followed the checklist in his head. 

Step one: make sure everything is clean.

Step two: make sure that the fridge is stocked and nothing is going bad or expired.

Step three: check up on customers and bring that quality customer service that people love! 

Step four. Well, he didn’t quite know. 

Morning’s, surprisingly, were actually pretty dull for this quiet cafe. Things normally started getting busy during, say, noon or afternoon from students getting out of class with regulars coming in at mixed intervals. Jace looked around at the place he’s gone to ever since he was a child. It was like a second home to him. A skylight at the top of the high ceiling acted as the place’s lightsource for the day, but small lamps hanging from the top fueled by solar panels bathed the room in a warm glow once it hit night time. Each table smelled of pine and coffee, although that’s what the whole cafe smelled like most of the time. Right next to the counter in a small alcove of the room was a place dedicated to board games fit with bean bag chairs and even a tv. 

What Jace also loved was the door on the right wall leading to the coziest bookstore ever. Customers from there often went to buy drinks and read books here. He loved that place almost as much as this cafe. Bookshelves lined the two floors and soft music always blared from the speakers. It was like a maze he could explore for hours. In this corner in the northeastern section of the store was a fireplace and a few comfy chairs that he swore he’s fallen asleep in before as a child even though his parents worried so much. He’s grown up in those two stores—grown up with both of the owners that they’ve become like parents to him.

A bell tied to the entrance rang and alerted Jace to a new customer. Probably Janice and her tiny half-poodle half-pomeranian dog to get the cafe’s equivalent of that cup of whipped cream that Starbucks sells. He turned and locked eyes with a man around his height. The guy flashed a smile and stretched as he approached the counter. “Let me guess...I assume that you’re her study partner?” Jace pointed towards Mia who waved at the two of them. 

“What, are you a psychic?” The man chuckled and looked up at the menu above Jace’s head. He couldn’t help but look at the man’s shirt underneath his leather jacket. There was a glint of light, and he noticed a small silver necklace. A dog tag. 

“Is there anything that you fancy?” Jace smiled.

“How about...surprise me. Make whatever you think I like.”

That’s certainly a response Jace wouldn’t expect. He stared at the man and his angular face, the bright forest green eyes, and the wavy dark brown hair that was the right amount of messy. He looked like one of those jocks from the stereotypical coming of age movies. What would this kind of guy want? “Mind if I could get your name, please?” Jace picked up a plastic cup from his side along with a marker. 

“Alec...nice to meet ya, Jace.” He winked.

Jace felt his stomach fold over in fear. Did this guy know him? He looked down at his rather plain uniform of a black shirt and a black apron with his nametag. His face suddenly heats up to a million degrees at the embarrassing realization. “I-I’ll go get that drink!” 

He ignored the quiet laughs from both Alec and Mia—Jace scurried to the fridge and a freezer with a drink already formulating in his mind. People like milkshakes, right? Would a guy like Alec like milkshakes. God, Jace, this isn’t the time to panic. Everyone likes milkshakes. 

Step one to a Neapolitan milkshake: get the fresh ice cream that the boss got from a local creamery of course. 

Step two: add all of those ingredients along with some milk and strawberries to a blender. 

Step three: blend until it produces a bright pink color and pour it into the container. 

Step four: top with whipped cream and chocolate syrup and now you have a Neapolitan milkshake!

“I’ve got a Neapolitan milkshake for Alec!” Jace called out to the man who stood up from his seat to watch in awe at the drink in his hands. In fact, Mia joined him and drooled over it with an eager look on her face.

“Can I—”

“Hell to the hell no, this is mine.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hey, Alex, it’s—“

Reed put his hand over the door and laughed nervously. “Um...actually, I’m gonna need  you to take care of the bread that Winnie’s made.”

At the cafe, the three normally rotated between working in the kitchen and working the  front. It was supposed to be Jace’s turn again, but he was confused at his friend’s request. He tried to push past Reed but only met more resistance. “Alex is better with baking bread than me, I’m sure that—“

“Nope. She’s busy! Yeah...busy.” Reed pushed Jace back into the kitchen. He decided to  follow his superior’s—despite being older—order and bake some of the bread that their boss prepped last night. It was a simple matter of getting the thing on a baking pan and putting it in the oven.

After a few long yet mesmerizing minutes of watching the dough slowly bubble and rise in the oven, Jace took it out to cool and take in the scent of freshly baked bread. It reminded him of his mom—a chemist with a baking side job—where he spent days helping her combine the ingredients the same way of mixing chemicals in a lab. 

He tried to get out again. This time, Reed let him through. As he walked out into the main room, he caught a small woosh of black hair sweeping out of the door. Alex turned around and smiled kindly before tapping him on the shoulder with her fist and heading back into the kitchen. What was that about?

He laughed to himself as he saw Alec and Mia arguing over something and frantically gesturing at their notebooks. They were causing a bit of a commotion among the few people here. “Need any help?” Jace approached the counter and rested his head on his arms. Seeing as there wasn’t anyone at the line, he could use some of the time to assist them.

“I think we’re good...I think.” Alec tapped a pencil to a corner of his lip as he squinted at his laptop. 

“I could use a few more shots of coffee...and a sandwich.” Mia yawned and stretched despite it being noon. Jace felt concerned, but he couldn’t exactly refuse to give her any more coffee. It would stick to his conscience for too long. After she paid, he quickly whipped up another large coffee along with a chicken sandwich on the ciabatta bread he made a few minutes ago. It was his go-to meal—tender and juicy chicken on a bed of arugula and spinach drizzled in honey mustard—he swallowed his drool and went back to work. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Jace eventually clocked out and waved his friends goodbye. He checked the time and grinned as he opened the door to the bookstore right on the tick of 8:32 PM. “Ah, there’s my favorite customer!” Delphine, the owner of this amazing place, stood at the counter. Her jet black hair had streaks of grey in it and her face was mapped with wrinkles that only accentuated her kind smile. She was like a mother to Jace. “I’ve got some new stuff in. Hope you like romance.”

He nodded and ran towards the maze, running his fingers along each of the book spines while examining the titles. Books were a bit of a guilty pleasure. It was like an escape from his horribly stressful world where he could choose each adventure to have. Fantasy? Adventures have gotten a bit boring. Mystery? Too much stress. Sci-fi? Same reason as fantasy, although Jace would admit it was one of his more preferred genres. Non-fiction? That can be saved for medical school. 

Del said they brought in some romance, right? Jace navigated the winding shelves and eventually entered into the romance section. He liked romance. Well, he loved it quite honestly. Call him a bit of a hopeless romantic, but there was always a seed of hope in his heart that he’d find that special someone. That may or may not have been one of the reasons he started going to that cafe. For that special coffee shop romance love story mixed in with nights spent by the fireplace and holding each other to evenings drinking tea while watching the stars. 

He never really got that, but at least the coffee’s good here. 

Jace found some books that looked appealing—a mix of the teen YA’s and adult romances. He sort of preferred the comedic and youthful energy of young adult novels—that and actual representation. It was a bit tiring to see hot caucasian men and women do stupid things and bang each other all day. Del let him check them out for a bit, so he decided to go to his favorite place in the whole world. That not so hidden fireplace area that people never really ventured to. A bit surprising since it was such a cozy spot, but he didn’t object to it.

It was a bit disappointing—and slightly terrifying—to see someone already sitting in one of the chairs. Jace mustered up the courage to take his own seat and place the books in a neat pile on a roundtable separating the two chairs. He did his best to ignore the other and not make conversation. Hopefully, they wouldn’t say anything.

“Oh, hey.”

Oh god, they said something. Jace looked over to see Alec holding a notebook of some sort—he also had his own smaller pile of books on the table. 

“Jace, right?” Alec pointed at him with a friendly smile. 

“Yeah...it’s nice to see you...here of all places.” Jace did his best to bury the anxiety in his chest, but he couldn’t deny the way his heart was pounding. Hopefully, Alec couldn’t hear it. 

“It’s my first time here, actually. It’s pretty nice.” Alec looked around the room and then directly into the fire. He tapped a pencil to his lip and remarked, “give me...a number between one and twelve.”

“What?”

“Just...give me a number.”

Jace didn’t know why he was asking, but at least it wasn’t something creepy. “Six.” He was kind of happy that Alec wanted to make conversation, but the urge to run away and just read his book was prevailing. He didn’t want to be rude though.

“Nice….” Alec started writing something down in his notebook. 

“What was that for?”

“I was deciding on topics to write on...it's for journalism.” He answered and continued scribbling whatever he was writing. Jace took the opportunity to start on a new book he’s heard a lot about.  _ They Both Die At The End _ by Adam Silvera.

Hopefully, the title doesn’t equate to the ending. 

Jace read silently—or so he thought—until he heard Alec’s soft laughter echoing from across the table. He jumped at the sound and saw the man looking at him with a smile. “You must really be into reading, huh?”

“O-oh...what makes you say that?” Jace closed the book but kept his thumb on the page he left off of.

“You keep making noises when you read.” Alec snickered. “No judgment, I’d do the same.”

“Really? I...I didn’t realize.” He laughed nervously and swallowed the lump of fear beginning to form in his throat. “It’s a good book, so….”

“You know they both die at the end, right?” Alec pointed at the book.

“Well...the title obviously says that.” Jace hid behind the book—hiding the fact that he hoped they wouldn’t actually die. He was starting to love the relationship between the two characters—Mateo and Rufus—and how they were able to find some sort of happiness despite their situation. If only he had that sort of relationship with someone. 

“You like romance?”

“Um...yeah, I prefer more sci-fi...fantastical books though.” Jace put his book down and stared at the wall beside Alec’s head. He wanted to avoid the man’s eyes and the way they just sparkled from the fire. It felt way too intimate especially with how Alec stared directly at him. “Do...you like reading too?”

“I mean...you do have to read a lot in journalism.” Alec placed his notebook down and glanced to the side. “I think it’s fun when I read stuff that I want to, you know? Like Adam Silvera.”

“Makes sense.” 

The two sat in a bit of uncomfortable silence—Jace really wanted to say something, but he didn’t quite know what. Then his phone chimed a small beep and he knew what time it was. He breathed a sigh of relief knowing that this moment wouldn’t last any longer. “I-I’ll see you later, dude.”

“Where you going?” Alec tilted his head in response.

“My job. Um...hopefully you come back to the cafe sometime!” Jace waved the confused man goodbye and hurried out before he could say anything else. A weight lifted off his shoulders knowing that he didn’t have to force himself to talk with people—for now, anyway. Working at a hospital does involve a lot of communication. He yawned and slowly unlocked the door to his car. It was going to be a long night.


	2. Pinewood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOT WOOT! Chapter TWO! Hope y'all enjoy!
> 
> TW: Vomit, Self-harm

Jace stumbled into the cafe and threw his disgusting scrubs into a small bin in the locker room. He wasn't on shift for a while, but he knew that he needed to be here. After coming back into the main room of the cafe, he trudged over to the counter where Alex stared at him with a concerned smile. A large cup of the strongest coffee that Winnie could brew laid right next to her—the mere scent of it punched him in the face with pure bitterness.

"Thanks," Jace grumbled and took his drink to a spare table—setting his backpack on top of it. He spotted Alec as he looked for a spot but decided to ignore him. His only priority was getting this coffee inside of his system.

"Are you...good?" Alec approached Jace's table—a frown on his face as he set some of his stuff down.

"Give me a moment." Jace held up a finger to silence his friend as he took a long, refreshing sip of the scalding coffee. It was insanely bitter and disgusting, but the caffeine was worth every single drop. "Ok...I'm good."

Alec reeled back in disgust, "black coffee...and I thought Mia had a problem."

"He's totally addicted...just give him a few seconds to start up," Alex remarked from the counter as she put in a bunch of freshly baked cookies into the display case. Jace smiled, relishing the scent of chocolate and sugar wafting throughout the cafe. It certainly helped to wake him up at least a little bit.

True to Alex's words, Jace felt the caffeine kick in and he perked up with a smile. He ignored the rapid beating of his heart and leaned back in his seat. The rush of working in that hospital still rang in his mind—but it was worth every second even if he couldn't sleep. The sun shone on his face and warmed every frozen inch of his body. It was relieving.

"Where's Mia?" Jace looked up at Alec who started writing on that same notebook from last night. It was a mess and full of tears, and sticky notes scattered among the pages and creases in an unorganized monstrosity.

"Dance rehearsals...all day. For some school musical or something."

"One of my friends really loves musical theatre, maybe I'll introduce him to the both of you someday." He remarked and leaned over to see what the brunette was writing, but the latter pulled his notebook away. Jace caught a glance of something that was definitely not a typical thing for journalism. It was a sketch. A drawing of some sort. 

Alec glared at him for a second before relaxing and shoving his notebook into his backpack. "So...how's that book of yours treating you? Did you get to the—"

"I'm not even that far though, don't spoil me!" He gently kicked the man under the table, earning a small yelp and another angry glare. "S-sorry," Jace said on instinct, backing away from Alec in case he got too mad. 

"Don't mention it." Alec rubbed his leg and pulled out a textbook from his backpack—human anatomy. It was certainly odd to see a journalism student taking an anatomy class, but Jace decided not to question anything.

He laid back and tried to relax for however much time laid between his next shift here and this break. He just had to survive the rest of the day without anything disturbing him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The week dragged on and on. It was agonizing like some song stuck on repeat—just doing the same things every day. Jace enjoyed working at both the hospital and the cafe—albeit getting very little rest in between his breaks—but he can only go on for so long.

It's not like he had a choice though. He didn't want to go home.

Jace trudged up to the counter and slapped the fatigue out of his face.

"Alright...um...welcome to Thanks A Latte...what can I get for you today?" He greeted the influx of customers with the same generic smile he put up every day until his face muscles started to hurt. Alec and Mia didn't come, unfortunately, maybe because they had class or just had better things to do than come here or see him.

"That's not the nicest way to treat your best friend." Through his blurred vision, Jace spotted a short man with a smirk on his stubbled and angular face. He was a bit like an elf, sharp green eyes that darted around the room and examined everything for whatever reason. The man shrugged his flannel hoodie off and pointed towards the window with his thumb—flashing a silver dog tag. A torrent of rain battered against the pavement and the distant sound of thunder echoed across the sky, overpowering the soft music playing from the cafe's speakers. "Rain's being a bitch, so I decided to finally come check this place out."

"Quinn...what are you doing here?" Jace groaned and rolled his eyes at the sight of his friend. "I thought you were still at the hospital."

"I decided that I should stop working overtime for once and take a break. Unlike someone I know." Quinn tilted his head at Jace and sighed, "you really have to get out more."

"You know I can't do that." Jace murmured barely above a whisper. He gestured to the small line of people behind the man and said, "now, is there anything that I can get for you?"

"A sandwich and a frozen mocha with extra chocolate chips. Add whipped cream and graham cracker crumbs. Two pumps each of vanilla and chocolate. Heavy on the chocolate and caramel drizzle."

Frozen coffee. Essentially the store's version of a frappuccino at Starbucks and also the most popular due to it tasting like pure sugar. "Would you like some coffee with that sugar?" He deadpanned.

"Nah...two percent coffee and ninety-eight percent sugar please."

Jace obliged but felt a bit disappointed considering it was more sugar than coffee at that point—but it's not like he could stop his friend. After receiving payment, he hurriedly crafted the best drink he could even though his teeth started getting cavities just by looking at it. How could someone just enjoy a coffee drink that didn't even taste like coffee?

Although...it did look pretty nice. The streaks of dark brown and caramel danced together in the drink and the whipped cream added brightness to the whole thing. It was like a piece of art. He wished that he could at least get a taste of it.

"Hey, uh, the gang's staying here past closing. Wanna join?" Jace reluctantly gave the drink to his friend who smiled and took a few sips before responding.

"Sure, why not. Good thing we're off tomorrow, maybe you can actually get some sleep for once." Quinn remarked and went off to find a seat in the cafe. Jace felt his heart shudder. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself. Every part of him wanted to agree, but they both knew that it wasn't going to happen. Realizing that there were customers waiting, he put on his customer service smile and kept working in hopes that the pit in his stomach would disappear by the time work was done.

"Hey, time to switch." Alex popped her head out of the kitchen a few hours later and tapped his shoulder as she always did. "Reed needs some help scoring the bread Winnie made."

"Alright, can you get Quinn a sandwich? Oh and make it turkey." Jace hummed and smiled as Alex looked at Quinn with a shocked face.

"Oh my god, I can't believe you're here for once!"

That's all that Jace managed to hear before closing the kitchen doors behind him. He scurried to the back where Reed was mulling over a large ball of dough with a small knife in his hand. "Do you need help?" He asked as he leaned on the counter and smirked in a teasing manner. For some reason, Reed always somehow messed up with the scoring process and only made the bread come out horrible.

"It makes me feel bad to hurt them. Can't we just bake them like this?" Reed waved the knife around and groaned in frustration. Before he could kill anyone, Jace snatched the knife out of his friend's hands and pushed him out of the way.

"Just...let me handle this, ok?" Jace snapped and carefully pierced the top of the dough. He slowly moved the tip of the blade along the length of the ball until a large gash ran along most of the top.

"See? It's not that...hard." Jace stared at the cut he made. It looked familiar. Horrifying, even. What did it look like? He placed the knife down and glanced at his arm. Something welled up inside of him—like a memory that was buried a long time ago.

A memory filled with red.

His breath grew heavy and labored—Reed must've heard his heart pounding out of his chest. Jace grabbed the baking sheet and frantically shoved it towards his friend saying, "I-I'm gonna go on break if that's fine with you."

He left the kitchen before Reed could say anything. He just had to get out of there—away from that knife. Away from that place.

Jace exited out the back door—rubbing his forearms—and bumped into a girl. She had steel blue eyes and long jet black hair—a basket of cookies and a small red purse nestled at her side. A light blue scarf swayed in the wind along with a small cardigan wrapped around her white t-shirt with the small logo of a dog. She wore ripped blue jeans that looked like they were very much worse for wear. "Lilith?" He exclaimed.

"Hey, babe!" Lilith grinned and leaned up to peck him on the cheek, sending sparks flying down his spine and into every nerve. Just the feeling made his heart want to do somersaults. "Mom made some cookies and asked me to deliver them."

"Oh, I-I thought you were at the kennel?" His girlfriend worked at this small kennel on the other side of town pretty much all day. She loved animals all her life and treated them with so much kindness—one of the qualities that made him ask her out so long ago.

"I'm on my way there. Sorry if I disturbed your break or something." Lilith elbowed him in his side as she stepped into the kitchen to drop off the treats. He took a deep breath and sat down on the concrete steps leading inside the cafe. His heart felt like it was going to burst. Why did it have to happen now of all times? It was just a stupid piece of bread that he scored as usual, so why now?

Jace shrugged his black hat off that Winnie made them wear and looked around the area. It wasn't a pretty sight to look at quite honestly—trash bins and cars lay scattered on the cracked pavement that was this parking lot. On garbage days, this place mostly had the lingering scent of rotten food and whatever gunk people leave in these businesses. He looked down at his shaking hands and hoped that the panic was going to stop. Why was this happening?

God, of course he knows why this is happening. Jace feels like an idiot—letting himself be like that over some fucking bread. It was so pathetic. It's not supposed to look like himself. Like he was going to carve a deep gash in his arm. And yet...it did to him.

He jumped at the sound of the door opening and turned around to see Lilith—now without her basket—looking down at him with a worried frown. "What happened?"

"It's nothing...just tired." Jace rubbed his eyes and felt that his cheeks were stained with moisture. He didn't even realize he was crying. Despite Lilith already seeing it, he tried his best to force a smile as if nothing was wrong. Obviously, it didn't work. He felt like a piece of glass that everyone could just see through. He didn't want to talk about it, but they both knew it was better than to keep it silent.

"I brought something else." She zipped open her bag and took out a nondescript orange bottle of pills. Jace grabbed the bottle and read its label—Zoloft. "You haven't been coming home, so I started to get a bit worried you weren't taking your meds."

"O-oh...uh, thanks." Jace opened the bottle and swallowed his regular dosage dry. He wanted to do anything but take it, but Lilith wouldn't have stopped bothering him over it. "I should head back inside." He stood up and headed towards the door but Lilith grabbed him by the wrist, making him flinch and pull his hand away in fear. "Wait, please don't—"

She reached up and kissed him on the cheek before waving goodbye. "I love you." And for some reason, he felt like the world was crashing down on him. The breeze had died to a mere whisper, and a rotten taste filled his mouth—possibly from his medication.

He went inside without a word.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fridays were both his favorite and least favorite days of the week. He and his friends had a tradition of playing board games or studying after the store closes. Being friends with the owner had a lot of perks. Jace swept the area, knowing that the cleaning wasn't going to do itself.

His least favorite part about Fridays was his day off the next day on both jobs. Each hour lasted so much agonizingly longer. It's not like he could go home—or at least he didn't want to go home.

Alec and Mia lounged on the floor with the same Neapolitan milkshakes they liked very much in hand. Reed was in the corner scouring through all the board games that Winnie had bought, his tongue sticking out the corner of his mouth. Alex was the only one helping Jace clean up as she stacked chairs on tables and wiped them clean.

"It's party time, folks!" Quinn burst through the door holding a few paper bags presumably with alcohol. Jace flinched at the sound and dropped his mop with a loud crash—his vision blurred and, for a second, he thought that he could see a gun in his hands.

"D-don't scare me like that!" He yelled in a fit of anger, clutching his chest and feeling his heartbeat accelerate. Jace bent down and picked up the mop before silently cleaning the floor—although it looked like he was about to snap the handle in half from how hard he pressed against the floor.

"Hey, special times call for special occasions." Quinn shrugged and placed the bags down on a table next to the entrance. "So who are these newcomers?"

"Oh, I forgot to tell you. This is Alec and Mia," Reed said from across the cafe, "they've sort of joined the group recently. We forgot to introduce you."

"Hey!" Mia waved with a smile as wide as the ocean.

"Quinn?"

"Alexander, you sly man." Quinn shook his head judgingly. "How dare you infiltrate my friend group without my permission?"

Alec rolled his eyes and stood up to give the other a friendly hug. Jace looked on, distracted from his anger, feeling more confused than anything. "It's good to see you too, bud."

"You two know each other?"Alex stopped and tilted her head in confusion as the two still held their embrace.

After an eternity, they let go of each other and stood shoulder to shoulder with Alec towering over Quinn. "We were buddies back in our army days." The former put his arm around the other and flashed a cheeky smile.

Buddies? Jace stopped mopping and switched his gaze between the two—then to the shirt he wore. He reached inside and retrieved his own dog tag, caressing it and feeling repressed memories start to arise from within the depths of his soul. "Wait, what?"

"What?" Alec raised an eyebrow and pointed at Jace's dog tag. "Oh, hey! Wow...it really is a small world, huh?"

"But...Quinn and I were in the army together. I-I...." Jace massaged his head and tried to unearth whatever memory of Alec that he had under however many layers of trauma and death that he buried.

"Please tell me we're not having war flashbacks right now." Quinn slugged Alec's arm off of him and gently hit the top of Jace's head. "Long story short, yes, you two were friends. I'm surprised you two don't remember."

"Thanks, it's the trauma." Alec remarked. "Are we going to play board games or what?'

"I...ok, fine." Jace reluctantly set his mop on the wall. Alex had already finished cleaning all the tables, so they were pretty much done with everything.

And he ended up regretting that decision. They switched from game to game, from multitasking between Clue and Monopoly to never have I ever. It definitely didn't help that Quinn had brought alcohol to spice up the occasion. Jace didn't like to drink—even if he did, his medication wouldn't allow him to.

Jace hated taking his medication. It was supposed to help deal with his PTSD, and it did in some ways. The neverending nightmares and fear of approaching anything that remotely sounds like a gunshot are still there. The anxiety dissipates and he doesn't feel like utter garbage anymore—not mentally, anyways. Even as the games progressed into the night, he could feel his stomach churn and his vision start to blur. This was the worst part. The nausea and the headaches. The mood swings and the like. He's tried to change medications, but it always ended up giving him the same problems. Both his therapist and his girlfriend try to make him take it despite all of that.

"Are...you ok, dude?" Alec elbowed him in the side and brought Jace back into reality. He looked around and noticed that Quinn and Alex were in the midst of an intense staring contest—and UNO. They both had only a few cards, and the anger radiating off of them hit him like a truck. It only made him feel even worse. Reed and Mia swayed to some sort of rhythm—tapping straws and plastic utensils against the floor and tables.

"I-I'm gonna go get some fresh air." Jace leaped up from his seat on the floor and stumbled out of the front door, cursing under his breath as the loud sound of the bell rang in his head. He only barely made it to the side of the building before he slumped over and expelled his lunch onto the parking lot.

The rain beat down on Jace and soaked through his clothes, but he didn't care. The numbing cold helped to distract himself from the painful ache and nausea. Something rose in his throat and he vomited once more before collapsing against a wall. Without these meds, this wouldn't have happened. He felt more guilty than anything for possibly interrupting the group by leaving so suddenly.

"Jace, what are you doing out here?" He turned to look at Delphine standing over him with an umbrella and a worried look on her face. His stomach recoiled in fear at the realization that someone was there, but he did his best to ignore it. At least he could trust her.

"Del! I...I just needed fresh air." He lied.

"Don't give me that crap, you're lucky Winnie and I decided to stay at the store while your gang got drunk." She picked him up with ease despite her old age and shoved him towards the front of the cafe. "That medication still giving your stomach a fight, huh?"

"Yeah...Lilith keeps making me take it, and you know how your daughter is." Jace reached for the door handle with a slight tremble in his fingers. His friends haven't seemed to notice, although he could tell that Alec looked more worried than the others. The man's mouth opened and the others said something in reply, although he couldn't quite glean what they were saying.

"I'll make her get some soup ready, you just stick tight, ok?" Del ran off and into the bookstore, leaving Jace all alone.

Reaching for the handle again with a tremor in his hands, he forced the door open and yelped softly at the sound of the bell ringing. A blast of the air conditioning chilled him to the bone and made every muscle in his body shiver. Everyone but Quinn and Alex turned to look at him with a mix of shock and concern. Reed was the first one to stand up, heading through the kitchen doors to grab a towel. Mia and Alec came up to him asking about what happened. He felt himself gag at the slight scent of alcohol wafting off of them.

"I'm fine, guys, just caught up in the rain is all." Jace lied, but he felt like they could see through him. He pushed them away, careful not to get any of their clothes wet.

"Dude, you were gone for like twenty minutes!" Mia said, "we were getting worried."

Reed came back shortly with a towel in his hands. He wrapped it around Jace and said, "Winnie and Del are in the back making something. You good?" Jace noticed that it was times like this that the man's clumsiness just disappeared all of a sudden like nothing could stop him from helping someone. He was grateful for his friend's help.

"Are those the owners?" Alec turned to look at Reed. He took off his jacket and wrapped it around Jace despite the latter's soft objections.

"Yeah, they own this and the bookstore next to us."

Jace wanted to take the jacket off and run away back into the rain. His head still pounded and he was starting to get numb in his fingers, but he also felt too drained of energy to fight the others off. He wrapped the jacket around him a little tighter and focused on the softest scent of pine that it carried. It transported him back to his childhood, exploring the forests that he knew like the back of his hand with Alex and Lilith. Back before he felt like utter garbage all the time—when life was good. The pain in his head slowly faded away into the deep recesses of his memory.

Did Alec always smell like this?

Winnie burst through the kitchen doors wearing an apron and her reading glasses. Her caramel brown hair had been tied into a messy bun. Alex seemed to have broken out of her trance as she immediately stood up at the sight of their boss. "Alright, you two get in the kitchen and whip up our partner the best damn comfort food you've ever seen."

"Yes ma'am!" Reed and Alex shouted in complete unison, marching into the kitchen with Winnie following. This was her standard aggressive care maneuver in which she'd cook something up for one of them if they ever felt down. Most of the time, it was Jace on the receiving end of it, and it always reminded him just how much an impact she and Del had on his life.

"Aw come on, I was just about to win," Quinn remarked with a quiet groan as he stood up and noticed all that's been going on. He took one look at Jace—exchanging glances and silent words for a mere second before Quinn rolled his eyes and sat back down.

"Um...what's going on?" Mia pointed at the doors to the kitchen. "Was that the owner?"

"Yeah...Winnie's just cooking up some stuff." Jace answered. "I can ask her to make something for everyone."

Mia shook her head. "Would it be fine if I could help out in there?"

"Just ask before you do anything." He chuckled—the kitchen was sacred to Winnie, especially the one here at the cafe. She needed everything to be spotless and had daily rituals during both opening and closing every time so that everything was to her liking. Most importantly, she generally didn't like it when people who haven't earned her trust went into that kitchen. Not even Del, her own wife, was allowed to enter unless it was to grab something and leave.

Mia grinned from ear to ear and skipped over to the kitchen, humming some sort of melody as her voice intermingled with the cacophony of voices coming from inside.

Alec was the only one left. He clasped Jace's shoulder and smiled kindly. "Uh, keep the jacket for now. You can give it back to me another time."

"Are you sure?" Jace asked but silently hoped that Alec would be fine with it. There was something so nostalgic about this. Familiar, even.

"Call it...uh, paying a favor." Alec rubbed the back of his neck and smiled—he sat next to Quinn and started a conversation that Jace couldn't hear.

Paying a favor, huh? Jace sat down at one of the tables overlooking the street. The rain fell and tapped against the window like a melody—street lamps bathed the wet pavement in a soft orange glow. He rested his head against the glass and nuzzled against the soft leather jacket tightly wrapped around him. The panic and nausea were but an echo in his mind as he felt every bone in his body collapse in exhaustion. He was tired, and he wanted to do anything but relax.

But pinewood is pretty convincing to his senses. Right before sleep claimed him, a distant memory revealed itself from the darkest parts of his mind. He almost forgot that this happened. An image of him and Alec sitting at the edge of a dock looking up at the stars—his standard army jacket wrapped around the other.

The night before everything changed.


	3. Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well that took a while...whoops. I've been having a bit of a writer's block but somehow I was able to finish this chapter! Hope you enjoy!

They were in San Diego for training and preparation for a flight to Iraq. Jace’s friends—more-so the people that Quinn had befriended while he tagged along—were planning on heading to the beach the night before.

The night before everything changed.

Some of the older kids brought alcohol, although Jace made an effort not to drink anything. It didn’t really matter anyway since no one other than Quinn knew him much and that guy was already off making out with one of the people there. He decided to sneak off and head out towards a small wooden dock overlooking the ocean. This particular beach was more secluded than most, so the lights of the city didn’t interfere with the view of the night sky as much.

It was hard to believe that he was actually in the army now. Of course, his family raised him with the intention of joining, but it was almost like a dream. This is the same place where his parents met and fell in love. This very dock. He wondered if—by some miracle—he’d find love after breaking up with his girlfriend. Well, after Lilith broke up with him.

The dock itself was kind of old and rickety, waves crashed against the old barnacle-covered posts supporting where he sat. Jace reached down and felt the cool water wash over his skin and make him shiver. He smiled at the scent of the ocean breeze filling his lungs—it’s been a while since he felt like he could relax. Weeks of intense training—added on by the years that his parents have tried to help him get to this point—all culminated into this.

So now what?

His ears perked at the sound of footsteps crunching against the sand and getting closer. Jace turned to see a man approach. In the dark, he could see that he was shirtless and dressed in dark blue swimming shorts. There was a slight shimmer to him from drops of water clinging to his reddish-brown skin. “You look like you could use some company.” The man called out as he stepped onto the dock.

“That’s totally not creepy,” Jace replied back, “did you come to get away from the party as well?”

“Yeah, Quinn’s trying to suck someone’s dick and a guy’s puking in the ocean.” They laughed and sat down next to him.

“That...certainly sounds like him.” Jace held up his hand as a greeting. “I’m Jace.”

“Alec.” He returned the gesture and they shook hands. “Pleasure to meet you.”

The two exchanged stories about joining the military. Alec spoke of getting some money to pay for college along with, “giving a middle finger to his parents as he left.”

Jace stifled a laugh at Alec’s words and looked up at the sky. It was clear, luckily, and the moon shined right at the top and cast a reflection over the horizon. Up above, there was this sea of stars that was painted with reds, blues, purples—every color he could imagine. “There’s a nice view of the stars here, but...there’s one back home that’s even better.”

“Lucky bastard,” Alec commented, “New York’s so crowded that you can’t even see one star up there. It’s usually...well, dark.” Jace glanced at him and noticed the man look away towards the night sky. Was he staring at him?

“In Oregon, we have these redwood forests that stretch all the way up like a hundred feet.” Jace raised his hand, reaching for the stars as if trying to grab them. It was like a puzzle—an ever-changing puzzle of bright lights up there. He could probably point out each constellation if he tried to. “The view at night was amazing, I used to visit all the time.”

“Maybe you could take me one day.”

“Well...maybe I could.” Jace kicked the water and splashed Alec’s legs. “At least take me out to dinner first.”

“Oh, you bitch!” Alec retaliated and scooped a handful of water in his hands. Jace managed to take off his jacket right as it hit him in the face. After that attack, all bars were off. He threw off his shirt. They kicked and splashed each other for a few more minutes—hurling insults at each other—before Alec grabbed him by the wrist and pulled the both of them into the sea.

“Hey!” Jace said as he fell into the water. He closed his eyes and let himself sink as far as his body could allow him. His lungs could probably go without air for a good ten minutes thanks to his upbringing, but he knew that Alec would probably worry.

Jace popped his head out and looked around to where Alec had clung on to the pier. He swam forwards until they were face to face, grinning from ear to ear. “I hate you, you know that?” He rolled his eyes.

“That’s not a nice thing to say to someone you just met.” Alec retaliated with another splash in the face.

“Shut up.” Jace clambered up onto the deck and reached out his hand to pull Alec up, but the man just sat there with a cheeky grin on his face. “What’s with the look?”

“The water’s nice, why don’t you join in?” He asked.

A blast of thunder boomed across the ocean as lightning danced through the sky in a dangerous light show. He could smell the rain on the wind before it even started falling. “That’s why.” Jace pulled Alec up onto the deck and snatched his clothes from the ground. Together, they ran to the parking lot nearby laughing like a pair of idiots.

“Don’t you think we should wait for the others?” Alec collapsed on a bench, shivering and staring towards the ocean where the rest of their friends were hurriedly packing up their stuff.

“Yeah...you ok?” Jace sat next to him with a concerned look.

“A bit cold, but I’m fine.”

Jace frowned and stared down at his jacket. He wrapped it around his new friend and pat him on the shoulder. “Take it. I don’t need it anyway.”

“Are...you sure? I don’t want to get this thing ruined.” Alec’s shivering stopped after a moment which brought some relief to Jace.

“Of course, I’m not cold, so take it for yourself.” He responded. And together, they waited for their friends to return.

As the wind picked up, Jace covered his eyes to shield himself from the sand. When he removed his hands, he was met with a barren landscape of rocks and mountains. The stars had disappeared, replaced by a blinding hot sun that baked the ruined towns they had set up a hiding spot in. He and Alec were nestled in a small clay house with broken picture frames and shattered pottery—the only sound filling the void being the slight crunch of sand and the raspy elegies sung by vultures.

And then the roar of gunfire enveloped the town as Jace dove behind cover. He drew his rifle and peeked over the window to look for signs of invaders. A bullet flew over his head, forcing him to duck down.

Something clattered to the ground. A rock? No, it couldn’t be, could it?

“Grenade!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jace’s eyes flew open as he sat up straight to look at the damage the grenade must have caused. Was Alec ok? Did he die? He touched his arms and his chest to make sure that the shrapnel didn’t cut through him.

But he was in the cafe instead. Quinn sat across from his table playing with a deck of what looked like tarot cards. “So...you out of that war flashback now?” He remarked and nodded his head towards the kitchen which had quieted down while Jace had fallen asleep. Alec sat a few tables away with that same notebook from before, stealing glances at the two of them.

“U-um...how long was I out?” He stuttered and gripped the table to keep his hands from shaking.

“Around thirty minutes. I’ve been keeping watch since you were having a nasty dream or something.” Quinn tilted his head and smiled softly. It was rare for Jace to see this side of him—so gentle with his words. Then again, this kind of thing always happened between the two of them. “You, uh, wanna talk about it?”

“It was the grenade...again.” Jace buried his face in his hands and groaned. Even now, that explosion still rang in his ears and made his bones quiver in fear. But his memory of what happened next always blurred. It was always that bright light and then, well, nothing. He did his best to resist the urge to rip his ears out to stop the noise. Even with his vision obscured, all he could even see was white.

“Well at least it wasn’t the worst of your dreams,” Quinn shrugged, “food’s gonna be ready soon if you feel like it.”

“U-um...can you do, you know, the thing?” Jace muttered.

Lights from the lamps above filled his eyes as he felt his hands get wrenched away from his face. One of his hands was placed on Quinn’s chest while the other was being squeezed. “Take a deep breath. Focus on my heart beating, got it?” His friend said.

Quinn’s heart pulsed gently under his palm. It softly drummed against his skin and sent a shock through his nerves. One. Two. One. Two. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Jace inhaled slowly, filling his lungs with cool air and then breathing everything out—his other hand tingles from Quinn drawing circles on his palm. His friend’s hands were rough, worked by years in the military and the hospital. Another deep breath in. Then a deep breath out. One. Two. Thump. Thump. Thump. The ringing in his ears had left, replaced by the muffled sound of rain and music quietly filling the cafe with a comforting melody.

“I-I think I’m good now.” Jace sighed and opened his eyes, welcoming Quinn’s familiar grin and the view of Portland’s streets out the window.

“Alright,” Quinn said, keeping his grip on Jace’s hands for a few more seconds before letting go. He stood up and grabbed his tarot cards, walking around to hug Jace from behind. “You sure, Liebling?”

“Yeah, don’t worry about me.” He smiled, turning towards the kitchen at the sound of the doors swiveling open.

“One comfort food package for a Jace Alburn!” Mia had a tray full of all sorts of food. It looked mostly Asian—probably because of her interfering with it—with a plate of rice covered in curry, some veggies, and a slightly yellow soup.

“What is it?” Quinn peeked over Jace’s shoulder to look at the meal that Mia placed on the table.

“Some curry! Along with some, uh, miso soup, and pickled veggies.” She put her hands on her hips and grinned.

“I didn’t know that you could cook,” Jace remarked as he took the bowl of soup and drank straight from it. He knew that it was a common side dish in Japanese dishes, and it had a lot of health benefits along with tasting really nice. Getting something warm inside of his stomach really helped with nausea he was experiencing earlier. The soup itself didn’t have a strong flavor—it was mostly gentle umami that had a much stronger smell than taste.

“My grandparents in Japan taught me to cook.” She pulled up a chair and sat alongside him, resting her elbows on the table. “I eat this whenever I feel like shit. So basically all the time.”

“That girl of yours cooks up a mean curry.” Winnie stepped out of the kitchen holding a large pot in her hands. “Reminds me of that time in Japan when I was traveling the countryside and met this sweet family. They made me a curry that tastes exactly like this.”

“We get it, you travel the world a lot.” Quinn rolled his eyes.

Reed and Alex came with food for everyone else, and soon they were all gathered around the table while Winnie dramatically retold her stories of backpacking around the world to learn about cooking.

Jace rested his head on Quinn’s—being much taller than him—and smiled as he listened to them all talking amongst each other. That dream and that suffering were but a distant memory now. In this little pocket of the world surrounded by friends, he felt that everything was alright now. No grenades. No gunfire. No last-minute surgeries while surrounded by all sorts of danger.

But he knew that the lingering threat of being trapped in that nightmare again loomed over him. Every time he closed his eyes, it felt like that blinding light enveloped him again. There was a bit of a difference between most of his nightmares though.

This is the first time he’s ever had that dream with Alec. Specifically, it was the first time he’s ever had a pleasant dream in a long while.

“Hey, I think I’m gonna go.” Jace tapped Quinn on the shoulder much to everyone’s disappointment. Even Winnie seemed annoyed about it.

“I was just about to finish my story!” She groaned.

“You sure?” Quinn asked, although he had already stood up and was heading towards the door.

Alex placed her hand on top of Jace’s as she gave him a concerned look. He shook his head and stood up as well to join his friend. “I’ll see you guys later, ok?”

He barely heard them say their farewells before Quinn had closed the door. The man slowly reached for Jace’s hand as they walked across the street to where he had parked. The rain had softened down to a trickle which added to the tranquil noise of cars zooming by and the gentle clicks of their shows along the pavement. “You never go home anymore, what’s up?”

Jace bit his lip. Honestly, he didn’t quite know either. But that dream gave him a bit of hope—a possibility to actually get a good night’s sleep. “Something else happened in my dream. Before the grenade.”

Quinn’s eyes lit up at the sound of it. He playfully elbowed Jace in the side saying, “well, spill the beans!”

“It...it was about Alec and how we met,” Jace said as he wrapped the man’s jacket a bit tighter around him. As he thought about it more, he could even remember his own jacket having the faint scent of pine after getting it back. “It was nice, I guess.”

“How romantic.” Quinn chuckled and took out the keys to his car. He was fancier than the rest of them, driving a bright red Tesla. The two of them have a habit of just driving home together—or at least they did when Jace still went home. He didn’t even realize that his own car was still in the parking lot until he was already inside. Oh well, Quinn could always pick him up tomorrow. “When’s the wedding?” He asked as he got in the driver’s seat.

Jace hopped into the passenger’s seat and punched his friend in the arm. “Dude! I have a girlfriend.”

“Who you don’t even spend time with!” Quinn exclaimed as he started the car and drove out of the parking lot. “We might as well be dating instead if we spend basically every day together.”

“I know...but we’re busy!” Jace threw his hands up in the air and huffed. “She’s never even home anyways except….” He silenced himself before saying anything else. Out of the corner of his eye, Quinn looked at him with a frown that told a million words. He was worried as always.

They drove home in silence until arriving at Jace’s house. It was a cozy, grey cottage style home far from the lights of the city that had made its home in a small clearing of trees. The lights were off, meaning that Lilith probably wasn’t there. It’s probably been empty for a while now. “Thanks, Que,” he hopped out of the car and hurried under the cover of his front porch.

“Don’t mention it! I’ll come over tomorrow if you’d like!” Quinn hollered although they both knew he’d come over anyways. It would’ve felt too weird for both of them to not see each other.

Jace waved Quinn goodbye and watched as the car’s taillights disappeared into the trees. He took out his keys and went to open the door—its old and chipped paint bringing a sense of both fear and comfort to him. It’s been a while since he’s come back here, and hopefully, it wouldn’t be the last. This was home, but it also wasn’t.

The door creaked open as he went inside and turned on all the lights, taking off his shoes and leaving them on the welcome mat to dry. The wooden floor was surprisingly clean, and the plants that Quinn set up for him hanging from the ceiling seemed to glisten with drops of water. Someone’s been here for a while, maybe Lilith or something. He wanted to explore and see what’s changed, but an overwhelming sense of fatigue washed over him. Exploring could be left for tomorrow.

Jace hurried upstairs and threw open the door to his bedroom, right down the hall from Lilith’s room when she stayed here. Most of the time, she lived with her parents. When she came, he preferred that they stayed in separate rooms for privacy reasons.

His room was a bit cluttered, but that’s how it was most of the time—it was probably the only place where he left things as a mess. It was sacred to him as it was filled with things from his past. Seashells and rocks lined the wall to his left, each one gifted to him when Alex came home from her frequent visits to California. A desk sat there as well, stacked with books from college and pictures he’s taken with his friends. Most importantly, there was a hospital wristband that he kept there—the one when Quinn went to the ER.

Jace stepped over the piles of clothes neatly stacked on the floor and to his bathroom that still had the same aqua green paint and tile that Quinn so carefully chose for him.

After getting ready for a long-awaited night’s rest, he found himself buried under the five blankets and however many pillows that covered his bed. Surprisingly, he put his hand on his chest and felt the familiar leather of Alec’s jacket. Since when did he put it on? He was sure that he left it at his desk.

Of course, he didn’t really want to take it off. This was the first time that he’s ever had some sort of pleasant dream in a while. Maybe it was the jacket and how nice it smelled. Aromatherapy had its uses after all.

Or maybe it was Alec.

That’s ridiculous. Jace pinched himself to let go of that thought and closed his eyes. Sleep came afterward, and the most beautiful thing happened. No gunshots. No screams. No explosions and grenades threatening to kill him.

Just the sound of laughter and waves crashing against the beach in San Diego.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S: Liebling is German for darling. Yes, Quinn calls his best friend darling. Don't judge.


	4. A Small Pocket Of Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A different look into Jace's life and how it is when he's not at the cafe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might've been a longer chapter than I intended.... Nonetheless, I hope you enjoy and know that there are some trigger warnings during this chapter! (Bruises, Eating Disorder, Abuse)

Jace woke up to the sound of music. Not the musical, although he could glean that it was some sort of musical theatre.

The typical sign of one Quinn Rambert. In this house, it usually wasn't a good one. Either he wasn't burning anything or whatever song was playing was overpowering the smoke alarms. He only hoped that it was the former.

Jace hopped out of bed and hurriedly dressed up for the day before racing downstairs where Quinn was dancing around the living room belting—albeit very badly—to a song. Something about Santa Fe, he guessed? He almost forgot what his own house looked like. But the familiar fluffy pillows, the grey couches set up facing a large flat screen tv, and the millions of blankets stacked on top of them filled his heart with a sense of ease.

A few bags of takeout food and drinks were leaking their grease out onto the coffee table in the middle of the room. "No wonder I didn't hear the smoke alarm." He joked as he met his friend with a quick hug.

"Yeah, I don't want to ruin your place just yet." Quinn pulled out two large burgers—for himself quite obviously—and then another for Jace. "Did you sleep well?"

Jace smiled and slowly unwrapped his burger, trying to not make a mess on the couch. "Yeah, actually." He said in between bites. "I don't know what happened, maybe my medication's started working."

"Maybe it's the magic of love." Quinn held the word love for a good few seconds before going back to attacking his food.

"Lilith hasn't really helped me much, so...."

"I'm talking about Alec, not that she-devil." He rolled his eyes and kicked his feet up onto the coffee table, slamming them down in a fit of anger that made Jace tense in reaction. He grabbed at his chest as a small bolus of food got caught in his throat, reaching for his soda to wash it down.

"You know, I wouldn't like him like that even if I was single, right?"

"Says the one wearing that guy's jacket?" Quinn poked his chest. Jace looked down to see that he was wearing Alec's leather jacket again.

"I-it's comfy, ok!" He scooted away from Quinn and suddenly found himself interested in looking anywhere other than in his friend's direction. Who knows how many months worth of jokes that his friend would make if he explained why he wanted to wear it?

"Yeah, sure. Just break up with Lilith and get your man already."

"I-I know you don't like her, " Jace stuttered, "but you don't...you don't have to hate on her every time I so much as say her name." This has been going on since he and Lilith got back together again, Quinn just despised her for some reason and he didn't know why.

"Whatever," Quinn shrugged and reached for the tv remote. Jace snatched it away before his grease-covered fingers could even get anywhere close to it. He turned the tv on—right to the nature channel to fuel their obsessions with documentaries—and hid the remote behind him, ignoring his friend's quiet glares.

"Are you ever going to be clean for once?"

"Only in the lab, baby." He shot Jace a wink and some finger guns before going back to eating his burger.

The two ate in silence with Quinn having finished both of his burgers long before Jace even got through his own. The sounds of exotic birds of Central America squawked on the screen and filled the silence.

Jace shifted again in his spot for what must've been the fifth time already. Quinn grumbled and smacked his shoulder. "Can't a guy cuddle in peace for one second?"

"Sorry...I just feel...I feel like I have to do something. I don't feel right." Jace pushed Quinn off of him despite the man's protest and stood up. "Do you think Winnie needs any help at the cafe? O-or I'm sure I could fill out some reports back at the hospital!"

"I need your help by being my pillow, please, and thank you," Quinn whined and tried to reach for him but he was already walking away. Jace had to clear his mind, or at least do something that he deemed productive. "At least bring me some food later! Or some pretty rocks?"

Jace slammed the door to his backyard and grabbed a backpack laying next to the entrance. And then he hopped over the brick wall separating his property from the forest. He'd probably done this a million times over the course of his life, but it never really got old for him. There was a light morning breeze that made the branches sway and leaves dance through the air. The scent of damp earth filled his lungs and relaxed every muscle in his body as he traversed through the undergrowth.

This was his own private world, or at least he tried to think that it was. Far away from people and far away from the burdens that held him down in life. Those old fears couldn't touch him in this small pocket of tranquility.

He followed the path he tread every time he came here, veering off to look around the undergrowth for anything useful. Oregon was a perfect place for foraging and finding your own food—that and Quinn liked it when he brought branches and rocks back as souvenirs.

"Thank you, little shrooms," Jace muttered to himself as he picked a few edible pieces of fungi off a fallen tree. Quinn talked to the plants they found as if they were actual people so often that he himself started doing it too. "God, I'm going crazy...."

He felt a smile creep onto his face as he memorized the splintered tree forking the road in two. Almost there. Before he even realized it, Jace was bounding on the right path as the sounds of a waterfall got louder. He broke through the tree line and felt the joy be replaced by fear and then pleasant surprise.

"Alec?"

The clearing had a waterfall pooling into a small lake with a few boulders lying around that acted as natural seats. Jace always went here because no one else ever did—not until today, that is. As he approached his friend, the sunlight filtering through the trees caught Alec's eye in a way that his eyes glowed a shimmering green reflecting the magnificence of the forest.

"Hey!" The man grinned widely and waved towards him. That same ripped and tattered notebook was in his lap. "Didn't know that I'd find you here."

"I didn't know that people even knew that here existed." Jace remarked and took a seat right next to Alec. He glanced at the notebook and saw an almost perfect rendition of the scene before them. It even caught the shine of the light on the surface of the water so beautifully. He would've even thought it was a photograph at first if not for it being unfinished. "Wow!" He gasped, "that's...amazing!'

"I-it really isn't that great." Alec held the notebook close to his chest and blocked Jace's view of the drawing, turning away to hide the redness gathering in his face. "It's just a small hobby of mine."

"Well, hobby or not, it's nice." Jace elbowed him in the side. "But, uh, how'd you find out about this place?"

"Quinn's taken me here before, I come here sometimes to unwind or draw."

"Really? He doesn't usually..." He paused, "show people these places."

Alec shrugged and picked up a pebble from the ground. He chucked it towards the water, bouncing four times before sinking into its crystal clear depths. "We grew up together, it would be worse if he didn't talk to me about stuff like this."

"W-wait, really?" Jace's eyes widened in shock. It's true that Quinn never really talks much of his past, but he couldn't quite believe that those two knew each other since they were kids. Alec wasn't kidding when he said that it was a small world. "Huh...."

"I guess he never told you?" He smiled and set his sketchbook down on his lap, letting Jace see the drawing on it.

"There's a lot of things about his past that he doesn't talk about." Jace frowned and picked up a smooth rock from the ground. He threw it at the lake maybe a bit too aggressively as it just made a big splash. Alec laughed at him only for a moment. His heart ached knowing that there were things that even he didn't know about Quinn, and it only made him guilty. "I guess we're really not that close, then."

"You kidding me?" Alec said, "you two are practically married!" He paused for a second and stared at Jace with wide eyes. "Wait, are you two...."

Jace felt his entire face heat up as he pushed Alec away from him. "Of course not, I have a girlfriend for goodness sake!" He folded his arms and pouted. To be frank, he didn't even know why he was mad. They were close with each other, almost as if they actually were dating. But they were just friends, and they were both fine with that. At least he thinks so.

"I jest!" Alec grinned mischievously and hopped back on next to him. "I just thought...you know, since Quinn is into dudes...you're a dude who he literally kisses on the cheek and hugs." He shrugged. "It's a bit hard not to see the connection."

"I-I guess that makes sense." Jace bit his lip as he threw another rock at the water, getting a good three skips before sinking into the lake. "Although, he did ask me out on...many occasions during college."

"And, what, you're not into dudes?"

"It's not that," He shook his head. "Honestly, I probably would've said yes if I wasn't with my current girlfriend."

"That sounds like you don't want to be with her." Alec raised his eyebrow and stared at Jace accusingly. The latter felt panic rise in his chest until his heart started to accelerate. That wasn't true. That couldn't be true.

"I-I...you...you've gotta be joking, right?" He forced the words out after what felt like an eternity. He reached down for another rock to throw, feeling pebbles rub against his skin. Jace clenched his hand and didn't even flinch when pain shot up his arm. After finding a suitable rock, he threw it at the lake only for it to sink once again.

"I-I'm gonna go head out," Jace stood up and felt a wave of nausea sweep over him. He tried to walk away but found himself stumbling over his own two feet and into the lake. His eyes shut as he awaited the cold water to wash over him. And he waited some more. Shouldn't he be falling?

Jace carefully opened his eyes and turned to see Alec clutching his hand and keeping him from falling into the water. He heard a splash and looked down to see the man's sketchbook now floating on the lake. His heart sank. "O-oh shit!"

Alec pulled Jace back onto his feet before leaning down to grab his ruined sketchbook. "No, it's fine." He shook it around for a second to get it dry before flipping onto a perfectly dried page with a grin. "I got one of those waterproof notebooks on Amazon. Neat, huh?"

Jace stood there dumbfounded and took a few deep breaths to calm himself. "I-I...wait," he paused, "is that...me?" The fear in his chest was immediately replaced by surprise. On the notebook was a colored drawing of him in near-exact detail. That can't be him, can it? Why does it look so nice? Why does he look so nice?

Alec blushed and hid the notebook behind his back, staring at Jace with wide eyes and then to the ground. "N-no...it isn't. It's your...uh...." He groaned and sat back down. "Ok, fine! I might have drawn you when we were at that book store."

So that's what Alec was asking about. Something to draw, and Jace somehow chose himself? "Can I see it?" He asked, "I'm not mad, just...surprised, I guess."

"Really?" Alec brought the sketchbook out from behind him, carefully placing it into Jace's lap. "I-I was going to tell you, but...I don't know, you seemed busy all the time."

Jace took the sketchbook and looked at the drawing of himself. It was surprisingly accurate. Alec got everything right down to the correct shade of brown in his skin, the short and messy dark brown hair, the sapphire blue in his eyes—it even had that scar right below his lip. He never knew how round his face really was until now. Normally, he avoided looking at himself like it was the plague. Maybe the fact that it was just a drawing brought a bit of ease to that fear.

"I like to people watch." Alec remarked. "I draw them sometimes to work on my skills since...well, no one I know really likes being drawn."

"Not even Quinn?" Jace asked but immediately knew that answer. His friend was vain, sure, but would never accept being in a drawing of some sort.

Alec shook his head and held out his hand for the notebook.

Jace took one last glance at the drawing before giving it back. He wanted to look at it more—because it looked so different from how he saw himself. Was that really him? Just some Hispanic guy with a crooked grin and a scar below his lip?

The two sat there in silence, the sound of the waterfall and the wind filling the quiet. Jace stared down at his feet and then to Alec. "I...uh, if you ever want to draw someone," He mumbled, "you can always draw me if you'd like."

"Really?!" Alec beamed, leaning towards Jace with a gleam in his eyes.

"Sure, I-I don't mind." Jace avoided his stares, only taking glances at him and—despite the sudden onset of fear that came with the sudden attention—he noticed something that he never really did before. Alec's eyes were like a forest, a swirling array of different shades of green that was far different from Reed's or Mia's. He backed away only to fall off with a yelp.

Jace sat up and looked over at Alec whose smile was suddenly replaced by a worried frown. "A-are you sure? I don't want to seem weird or creepy or anything, you don't—"

"It's fine!" He replied and nudged Alec's foot reassuredly. "Really, it's fine! Just tell me beforehand, I guess."

Alec seemed reluctant. He bit his lip and swiveled his head around the whole area before settling on Jace. The man opened his mouth only to close it again, mouthing a few words and mumbling something to himself.

Before he even realized it, Jace found himself pulled into a warm embrace. Every muscle in his body tensed upon instinct and a voice in his head screamed in fear to get away. But...another—much much smaller—voice told him not to. He took a deep breath and took in Alec's now-familiar cologne, letting it settle his nerves a bit.

"I-I'll make sure to pay you back," Alec murmured, "so is there anything that you want?"

"What?" Jace laughed nervously and pushed Alec away from him until their faces were inches apart with the latter's arms still wrapped around him. "I-I don't want anything...."

"Oh come on...it would only make me feel bad." Alec pouted and gave the biggest puppy dog eyes that Jace had ever seen, and his girlfriend works with dogs all the time!

He felt more guilty about not accepting Alec's offer than letting someone do something for him. Jace rolled his eyes and sighed in defeat. "Fine." He was about to say something else but found himself being pulled into another embrace.

"I-I don't really want anything, or at least...I don't know what I want." Jace spoke as he pushed Alec away again.

"Come on, everyone wants something."

He thought long and hard about it. Jace instinctively grabbed another handful of rocks, rolling them around in his palm before looking up at Alec. He pulled the man's jacket close around himself and said, "can I keep your jacket? At least for a little while longer?"

Alec snorted and held his laughter. "Really? Of all the things you could ask for?" He said. "Although, you do look pretty nice in my jacket."

Jace hid his face behind his hands, peeping through the tiny gaps in his fingers. "I-I just like that jacket! No reason...." Imagine how creepy he'd sound if he was suddenly saying that the jacket of a dude he met like a week ago suddenly helps him go to sleep without having traumatic flashbacks?

"Ask for another thing, that's such a boring request." Alec poked his chest. "Let me do something for you! I don't know, take you to lunch, buy something...as long as it's less than a hundred dollars."

Jace frowned and put his hands in his lap, fidgeting with them as he thought of something that he'd even want. What did he want? He looked around the clearing and perked up at an idea flashing into his head. "Oooh! Uh...ok, this might be a weird thing to ask, though."

"Depends on what you mean by weird."

"Um...I want you to come here with me every now and then." Jace gestured around the clearing. "I like to come here every week and forage or just do whatever. I like to go with friends, but Quinn gets bored, Alex is busy, and Reed is too afraid of insects."

He paused for a second and looked down at the ground. "And...well, my girlfriend never really spends time with me anymore."

"Really? That's it?"

Jace nodded his head. Out of anything, that's probably what he wanted the most. Just a bit of company out here to keep him sane. Someone other than Quinn. "You don't have to come every time, but I try to get to this spot at exactly ten thirty-six on Saturdays."

Alec laughed and nodded intently. "That's a very Jace thing to say, you know that?" He stood up and stretched, leaving Jace quite literally staring at the smallest piece of skin showing as the man's shirt lifted up. Not to say that he wasn't impressed, but it was more embarrassing than anything. He averted his eyes and turned his attention to the lake. "Well, we can always start now, if you'd like."

"Really?" Jace stood up as well. He must've been grinning like a madman. His heart beat at a million miles an hour knowing that, finally, there was someone who'd do things like this with him. "Ok, first on our list, berries!" Before it could even register in his mind, he was racing down the path deeper into the forest. He gripped Alec's hand tightly as every inch of information escaped from his lips. There was so much to say. So much to see!

And there was finally someone to share this with.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's been weeks since he and Alec started their weekly ritual of venturing into the little pocket of forest behind Jace's home. And it's been weeks since Lilith has ever come to visit. To him, this was quite normal. Ever since he came back from deployment three years ago, it's always been like this. She gradually returned home less and less—until she only ever comes by when the stars are in alignment or when she's asking for a favor. They keep in contact but even then, it hurts him to know that Lilith never even so much as says hi most of the time.

But he still loves her, and she loves him. That's all that matters.

Anyways, Jace found himself coming home more often and actually getting sleep when he could. Working two jobs—one of which is a twelve-hour shift at the least—was hard to deal with to the point where he considered quitting working at the cafe. Maybe Alec's jacket really is magic. Every time he slept with it, it's almost like his PTSD just disappeared. Not necessarily disappeared, but it certainly helped to dampen the symptoms. Which is why he hated cleaning it.

"Jace? You home?"

Lilith? He sprinted out of his room and looked downstairs to where Lilith was in all her glory. She had a red dress on with a small purse nestled at her side.

"Hey!" Jace waved excitedly and raced down the stairs to meet her. "I-I was just about to head out, but it's nice to see you!"

The way her smile shined so brightly sent shivers down his spine. He pulled her into a tight embrace and Lilith's muffled voice said, "don't you have work in an hour or so?"

"Yeah," Jace pulled away from the hug, "I was just going to go visit some friends and hang out with Quinn."

Lilith frowned as she stared towards the door, and Jace felt like he made a mistake saying that. "I-I can just spend time with you if you'd like!" He grabbed her shoulders and tried his best to cheer her up. "They'll understand anyway, right?"

That seemed to cheer her up. She pecked Jace on the cheek, sending sparks flying through his nerves, and took him by the hand. His heart felt so light at this moment. As if everything was alright now that she was here again.

"I've got a lot to talk about."

And together, they went upstairs to talk.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lilith had already left once again with no reason at all. He just got done taking a shower only to discover almost no trace of her other than a hundred dollar bill as an apology. This always happened.

"Yo, we're gonna be late!" Quinn's voice boomed from out his door followed by a few knocks. "And I don't want to miss out on free coffee!"

"Be there in a sec!" Jace hurriedly packed his stuff and changed into his scrubs before opening the door. Quinn stood impatiently tapping his foot against the floor dressed in something that definitely wasn't standard medical attire. "Where are your scrubs?"

Quinn grinned way too arrogantly as he said, "I...forgot them at home."

Of course, he did. Jace sighed and retreated back into his room, pulling out a spare change of scrubs that he kept in case of this type of thing happening. This basically meant he had a lot of extra scrubs on hand. "How many times do you owe me for saving your job?"

"And who bought you this house?" Quinn snatched the scrubs and pushed his way inside Jace's room, throwing the clothes he wore onto the ground as he changed. "Oh, that's right! I bought this house!" He feigned a surprised gasp before shooting Jace a glare.

Jace sat on his bed, waiting patiently for Quinn to finish changing. He stole a peep at his friend and noticed something...weird about him. But what was it? This must've been the millionth time that they've changed in front of each other, so what looked different to him? Nothing seemed wrong with the way he looked.

But maybe that's what was odd.

Jace swallowed a pit in his throat and opened his mouth to speak before Quinn interrupted him with a hush. The latter's face softened as he quickly threw on the scrubs. He smiled and gestured towards the door. "We should probably head out soon."

That smile told Jace everything he needed to know.

"They look more faded than usual." He stood up and placed his hand at Quinn's side. "Did you do anything special?" Stretch marks were a bit impossible to get rid of, and it was even harder just to make them fade. He personally didn't care about it, but Quinn was self-conscious about it all the time.

"Actually, no." Quinn took Jace's hand and started leading him out the door. "Maybe the gods are smiling upon me today."

They left Jace's house and drove towards the hospital they worked at. It was a bit of a drive, but it gave him the time to stare out towards the countryside. Their shift started around nine in the evening, so it was always night outside on the way to work. His fingers tapped against the glass, counting and tracing the shapes that the stars drew in the sky. The world had already fallen asleep by the time his day started—there was a bit of magic to that which made it special.

Finally, after a long and silent drive, they arrived at the hospital. He hopped out and scurried inside, leaving Quinn to hurry behind. His attending was quite strict with him—almost like his parents. It saddened Jace to leave his friend behind as they worked in entirely different areas of expertise—him working in the ER and the other working it Virology—but it's not like they could change anything.

Jace ran into the locker room and slammed the door behind him as he went inside the bathroom. He stared at himself in the mirror, examining his reflection for a sign of something different. Something out of place.

He pulled at his collar and flinched at the slightest sign of red. His head swam just at the sight of it. It was just one of many bruises that Lilith gave him from their last "talk" before she left. She gets mad easily, so it wasn't uncommon for her to take that out on him. This is how days like this always were.

Making sure that his shirt was neat and able to hide the bruises, both from himself and others, he stepped out of the bathroom and prepared himself for what would be a long night.


End file.
